Slipping Through The Cracks

These past few weeks have been a blur. I've almost ignored the existence of the elephant in the room...

I received a call that D's insurance isn't going to cover his treatment, after all. Which means that not only will I be responsible for $2000 a day, since October 17th... but more importantly, D will more than likely be sent home soon, without completing his treatment. Treatment that is saving his life. This is the actual conversation:

Medicaid: I'm sorry but we just don't cover mental health any longer.
Me: Help me understand this a little better... If "D" had cancer, the state would rally around him and tell him he is a survivor and we will do whatever it takes to save his life. BUT since he has a (potentially terminal) mental health illness, he does not qualify for services. Am I correct?
Medicaid: Unfortunately, this is the case. This is the unforeseen consequence of the changes in Legislation.
Me: My son could die.
Medicaid: I understand and I'm sorry and believe me, I wish I could help you... Legislation.

Due to the changes in Legislation, effective January 1, 2014, families like ours (working class) don't qualify for medicaid even while the patient is in treatment. And we don't qualify for Tefra, while D is institutionalized. *sigh*

Please keep us in your prayers to protect D and allow him to get the health care he needs and deserves... and to protect our family from financial devastation.

I Won't Give Up

Something miraculous has occured. Insurance has approved D's long-term facility treatment. And just in time.

D is extremely impulsive lately. Terrifyingly impulsive. His illness has once again taken over his brain and caused him to be ripped from our family. But I'm thankful that he is safe. The day insurance finally approved his treatment, he had told me, "I will kill myself. You can try to stop me, but I will do it.".

I wish I could keep him under 24 hour watch, for the rest of his life. My mind and my heart are constantly consumed with thoughts and pain that one day, he will succeed. I have moments when I'm at peace with our battle and trusting God, and then there are moments like now, where I feel defeated and terrified that this disease will win.

Insurance: Serial Killer

Have you ever walked into a business and walked out with a $6000 product, without paying? If  you did, you would go to prison. End of story

Then WHY is it okay for consumers to faithfully pay their insurance premiums, co pays, and deductibles, only to be told nope, "we don't cover that."?

What would you do if you went to the hospital and you (or your child) were given a terminal cancer diagnosis? You would, of course, expect insurance to assist you in paying for the treatment to FIGHT your life. And, they would.

Then WHY does insurance have the right to deny payment for mental health treatment? Without the proper medical care, (some) mental health diagnosis are just as terminal, as cancer.

This is where we are with D. He is in an acute psychiatric treatment facility and is being recommended by psychiatrist, psychologists, and social workers, to be admitted into a long-term mental health facility. I was even told "if he returns home, he will kill himself just to spite you". BUT insurance is refusing to fund the treatment, the treatment needed to save my child's life. When insurance declines payment, the facility denies treatment. So here we are. Dying. And no one will give us medical treatment. In 2014. In the United States of America.

Shame on you, random person without a medical degree, hiding behind a desk, declining payment for a potentially terminal illness. Shame.on.you. I will pray for you. I will pray you and your family never have to go through what we're going through. And I mean that. 

Pity-Party: Over

Preface:
I'm not sure if I'm legally allowed to post the following, but I'll take it down, if I'm asked to.

I've REALLY been struggling these past few weeks. I'm not sure where we're going to go from here, with D... but I do know that my God will guide me. I wasn't turning to Him yesterday and man, did I feel it. My day was disastrous from beginning to end. I felt hopeless, and helpless, and ANGRY. (I even cussed while talking to my momma.)

This morning I turned on the XM station, The Message and "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me was playing. The words are PERFECT. They are everything I need to hear to reign me back in and give it all to God. I am all the time telling people "He does give us more than we can handle, because He doesn't want US to handle it!" but I forgot this, myself.

Here is the video and here are the words.

                                         "Bring The Rain"

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Help.Me.

Last night was the worst night, yet. My middle child feared for our lives. After D did approximately $15,000 in damage to our home, he was taken by ambulance to a mental health facility. His stay is expected to be 4-7 days and then he will be sent back into our home. Back to terrorize and abuse our family. 

I'm scared. I'm desperate. We're all completely broken.

WHY WON'T ANYONE HELP US? 

I Feel Defeated

This weekend I told D "you only have a year and a half until you're 18..."

This statement is HAUNTING me. I only have a year and a half to get him straightened out. I only have a year and a half for him to follow the examples I've been so desperately trying to get him to follow. I only have a year and a half until I can't help him anymore.

What will happen when he's 18 and he can choose not go to treatment and not follow Christ?

I.feel.defeated.

Police Cars and Mental Hospitals.

It's 6:00 (IN THE MORNING!) and D tells me to sign his test. As my coffee is brewing (Note: I still haven't had a cup of coffee) he slaps a test on the counter and hands me a pen. "30%?!" Yes, I raised my voice. D claims that the class is hard and I need to chill out. "But I haven't seen you crack a single book. Sure, the class is probably hard... but you have to study!" HERE.WE.GO.

D decides that I deserve to be called any and every obscene name-ever. I respond with "DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" Whelp. That didn't do much good. World War III- let's go.

After about 5 minutes of taking a verbal beating, I told D that he needed to just go outside and wait for the bus. He did. WHEW! Nope- he comes storming back in the house and demands, "WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS, NOW." Um. Excuse me? I was actually proud of myself *back pat* because I remained calm and told him, again, to go to the bus stop and we'd discuss it after school- when we both had a chance to cool off. He goes outside and I go in my bathroom to begin getting ready for work. Crisis averted, again.

*blood curdling scream* I run outside to find a wrought iron chair in the middle of the yard and my other son weeping and trembling. D has decided to turn his anger towards his brother. He's now standing in the middle of the street, screaming obscenities, and LIGHTS UP A CIGARETTE! (I almost stroked out.) Then, he proceeds to throw rocks at the windows of my car and attempt to bash in the garage door. *FREAK OUT MODE*

I run in the house and lock the door. I didn't allow my other son to go to the bus stop for fear of him getting hurt. D begins to kick in the door. (I now need a new front door. But, I can't afford one. Awesome.) We are terrified so I called 9-1-1. D is in the background screaming "this is why I want to kill myself!" and "this is why I cut!" It seemed like an eternity waiting on the police to arrive... When the police finally arrived, they suggested we transport D to an acute psych unit. So we did. 

Here we are again. When will this cycle end? Will it take someone getting severely hurt or even killed? What am I supposed to do? I'm doing everything I know to do. I really am. 

Social Media is a Double Edged Sword

Comment below if you're glad social media didn't exist when they were a teen!

Do you follow your teen's social accounts? You should.  I respect my teens' privacy and allow them to post what they want without repercussions, as long as it isn't illegal or life-threatening. That's a hard promise to keep at times. There are times when i want to comment "what are you thinking?" but I want that very intimate line of communication to remain open. I'm seeing some borderline stuff and I'm not sure when or if I should step in. 

Today I want to call a few kids' mommas (I'm sure their mommas don't know what they're up to) and tell them how their children are behaving. But I won't.

Hey kids: Being a bully isn't cute or make you popular. It makes you a jerk. And guess what? No one likes jerks. 

I Give Up

Heartbroken. Lonely. Scared. Unloved. Unlovable. Betrayed. Anxious. Hopeless. Empty. 

One Year, Y'all!

D has been medication free for an entire year. Wow! It's definitely not always been easy (he is a teenager) but I can easily say this has been our best year, ever. Thanks for following our little (but very important) journey. My prayer has been that our journey will inspire your journey. God Bless! 

2 Steps Forward, 3 Steps Back

I feel like we've made a lot of progress with D over the past year. In fact, more times than not, I had myself convinced he was healed. I know there is no cure for mental illness. Today reminds me of this. I'm feeling helpless and hopeless. I just don't know how to help him.

Bat$h!t Crazy

Today is a rough day. It started when I was puked on at 3AM by my toddler. It continued at 3AM when I found D lying on the couch watching television because he "wanted to". My day hasn't improved one bit. I've been cussed up one wall and down another by D. I've been puked on several times by the toddler. And no one seems to understand why I'm in tears. I've been begging God to restore sanity to me and my home... But for now, I still feel b@t$h!t crazy. 

BEWARE of the Mentally Ill, They're Dangerous!

Knock it off, media. I'm so over you and your generalization of people with mental illness. Where is your journalistic integrity? Did it get lost in the flood of panic-inducing ratings?

In the shadows of the (most) recent mass shooting, I feel the need to be the voice for the many children who are suffering with a mental illness. Not everyone with a mental illness is a raging murderer. If you entertain this stereotype, you certainly feel all Blondes are stupid, all Men are smarter than Women, and all Republicans adore Sarah Palin. Silly, right? This is a great article from PsychCentral: "Media's Damaging Depictions of Mental Illness"

Yes, many of the recent mass-shootings can be linked back to mental illness. But they can also be linked back to mismanagement of medication. I'll leave you with this article from the Liberty Crier: "Nearly Every Mass Shooting In The Last 20 Years Shares One Thing In Common, And It Isn't Weapons"

*This post is NOT intended to reflect my opinions for or against gun control. Keep those opinions to yourself, I don't care.

Vesseling- Is That A Real Word?

I'm pretty sure vesseling isn't a real word but that's what I'm calling today. Vesseling. 

Once again, I found myself in an odd situation. (Those of you who know me, understand this. If you don't know me, ask. I'll explain.) My mom calls me "God's vessel". She believes all of these super weird things that happen in my life are my testimony and to be used to spread His word.  And after years of claiming "bad luck" I'm beginning to believe my mom is correct. DO NOT TELL HER I SAID THAT!

Today I was interviewed by Joan Early (one of the most genuinely kind people I've ever met) about the journey D and our family have endured.  The interview will air next Thursday on Little Rock's channel 7. Joan has a passion for doctor accountability (my words, not hers). She just seemed to "get" my frustration and heartache over D's long and frustrating childhood.

Please try to catch the segment and share it. As I've said before, the sole reason I've opened up and stopped hiding, is to reach just one family and to give a family hope. 

I prayed on my way to the interview today. I also prayed as I left... God, please bless the words that come from my mouth. Please allow me to encourage even one family who is at their end. Please USE me Lord as your vessel. Allow others to see YOU in me. That's who I am and YOU are what I'm all about. Amen.

60 Day Review

D has been home from the facility for 2 months. He has been medication free for 6 months. Let me type that again (just for myself, because it is SO amazing) D has been medication free for 6 months! I can't even begin to describe the transformation. He continues to grow and overcome. He desires to succeed.

Quick update:
He is excelling at school. (All A's!)
I gave him a cell phone because I felt he had earned that trust.
His baby sister is his best friend. (It's seriously the most adorable thing I've ever seen. She's always on his hip!)
He has asked to go on a mission trip to Haiti. (We met in the middle and he will go on a mission trip in the US, first.)
He's researching where he wants to go to college.
He wants to share his story with other parents and teens. (Oh. My. WOW.)

I couldn't be more proud of the young man he is and will continue to become. My job was to raise a boy to be a good man... I think we're on our way.

Thank you for the continued support and prayers. Please continue to share his story. If we reach just one family, we succeed.