When Will I Trust Myself?

I know I've failed to update on how Friday went but I just couldn't face it yet...

We left Little Rock around 7 AM and it was a GORGEOUS day. D asked if we could put the top down on the car so who am I do deprive him? Since we weren't pressed for time, we took back country roads instead of the freeway. Have you ever had one of those days where you seemed to notice and admire everything God created? Friday was that day for me. The trees were extremely green and plush. The sky was deep blue. The clouds were bright and fluffy. I swear D's freckles even glistened in the sun. We had several brief conversations and turned the radio loud while we car danced. We arrived at the facility and my heart seemed to stop. D was optimistic which made me feel optimistic. The therapists said all the right things and I felt good about this... until I got back in the car, alone.

The drive home wasn't as peaceful. Ironically, I missed the first exit to take the back roads and I was stuck in the terrifying freeway traffic for about 30 minutes. I didn't turn on the radio, I just sat in silence and thought and prayed for D. I prayed for comfort and happiness and healing. I thought about the brief half-hug D gave me before I left him. I wondered if that was because he is a teenager or if he was mad. I thought about how I cannot speak to him for 5 days and how he only gets 1 hour a week for visitation. I could go on and on but you get my point.

Here I sit, 3 days later and I'm having a really down day. I feel guilty. I was asked "Do you feel you did what was best for D?" Of course I do, or I wouldn't have done it. That doesn't make this any easier. It doesn't mean that I still don't question myself at times and have the pain of feeling like I abandoned my child. I pray I'm feeling the pain for the both of us. I pray D isn't lonely or sad. I pray for healing and hope.