It's A Fine Line

D has been home for three weeks! He started back to school last week and transitioned well. In fact, he said he wished there was school this week because he's missed it so much! We were hoping he would be able to sign up for football so he could lift weights and practice with the team in the off season but so far, the school hasn't approved his late enrollment. Everything else seems to be going well. Well... most everything.

I'm having an extremely hard time transitioning. I'm so used to hovering over him and not allowing him to do to anything (due to poor behavior and not trusting him) that I'm not sure where the line should be drawn. I want to allow him to be 15 and hang with his friends, stay up late, have a cell phone, etc but I just don't trust him yet. The other day he started arguing with me and it freaked me out. I flipped and sent him to his room. I thought about it and later apologized for being so quick to lash out and assume that he was being defiant. He was just being 15. He will be an adult in 2 and a half years... I know it's time to allow him to have his own opinions and start figuring out his voice but it scares me. Where is the line? I know it is fine.

What are your thoughts?

I Don't Have A Good Title This Week

It's been an emotional week. I know anyone can claim this but I feel like I've not be able to keep it together this week. D was able to come home on Wednesday for the Thanksgiving holiday. 

D doesn't know this but our weekend was overshadowed by an (extended) family suicide. My neice's (my brother's daughter) uncle decided that on Thanksgiving, he couldn't fight his demons any longer and ended his own life. My heart breaks for his family and especially for his momma. Anyone who says depression is a decision... is a jerk.

I spent several days deciding what to say to her. I decided it's best to not "say" anything but to pray with her. So, via Facebook, I sent her a prayer for her family. It's all I can do at this time. Please remember them at this time. And pray for those who may not have people to pray for them. It is our duty as Christians. 

To all who battle with depression, God bless you and please know people love you and care about you. 

IT'S A REAL LIFE MIRACLE!

There aren't many words to describe what is happening with D right now other than, it's a miracle. God heard us, y'all. He heard our prayers. He heard our cries and desperate pleads for healing. D has been medication free for months and is successfully discharging from treatment in 2 weeks. TWO WEEKS!

We've all heard stories of people diagnosed with cancer and then "miraculously" the cancer is gone. Be honest, you've secretly not believed it. You've rolled your eyes and thought "That's great! But, yeah right." Ok. Maybe you haven't, but I have. Unfortunately.

I will never in my life forget the night that I realized that I have witnessed a real-life-miracle. I started weeping and told my husband "It's a miracle. I've always heard of them but this is real. A real miracle." He asked me "When you pray, do you expect God to work or are you just saying words?" <--- Touché 

Thank you all for your prayers. Please, keep them coming as D has quite a transition back into real life. 

God is so good. All the time. I'm in awe. And unworthy. Thank you, Jesus. 

PTSD Is So Annoying

I can't help but laugh at myself. As someone who loves to write (as terrible as it may be) I sure do avoid it. Maybe because writing always forces me to be honest. And as someone who has been called, "too honest" sometimes being honest sucks.

See my old  Blog for more info regarding the following: HA! Have you ever been to a blog where the writer sends you to another blog... that's their blog?!

I'll stop being elusive. I've been all in dealing with D and finding myself mentoring others (which I love and I feel God leads me to) but I've managed to neglect my own mental health. I struggle with PTSD and if I don't keep my brain healthy (exercise, reading, being outside, laughing, etc.) the PTSD can take a strong hold of me. I haven't been writing because I felt like I would be lying and the purpose of this blog is to be honest.

I do have some good news and I hope to move past my self-pity in the next few days to share the MIRACULOUS news with y'all. Your prayers have been working and are very much appreciated. God is good, all the time.

What Am I Supposed To Do Now?

Have you ever had a time when you were a bumbling idiot who couldn't shut up? I have these moments like every day. I did it tonight during my Life Group. I started by telling the story of how I found the teenage girl who wrecked her car in the rain, then I went on about the man who was shot and killed in front of me... then I started crying. Ugh. I cry so ugly. (See, babbling, again.) I started crying because I feel God has placed me in these situations for a reason. God is using me as His vessel.

Reason 1: To reveal Christ through me and my ability to witness to people during tragedies. Not just those directly involved, but also anyone who will listen.

Reason 2: To teach me obedience. 

I have a huge calling on my heart and I have for many years. I've convinced myself that I'm not running from it rather than just don't know what to do with it.

I know He isn't going to allow me to ignore His calling much longer. He's setting me up. 

God is a tough dude to ignore. 

*End babbling rant*

Mental Illness and the Family: Recognizing the Warning Signs and How to Cope

REPOST FROM Mental Health America

Most people believe that mental disorders are rare and “happen to someone else."  In fact, mental disorders are common and widespread.  An estimated 54 million Americans suffer from some form of mental disorder in a given year.

Most families are not prepared to cope with learning their loved one has a mental illness. It can be physically and emotionally trying, and can make us feel vulnerable to the opinions and judgments of others.

If you think you or someone you know may have a mental or emotional problem, it is important to remember there is hope and help.

What is mental illness?

A mental illness is a disease that causes mild to severe disturbances in thought and/or behavior, resulting in an inability to cope with life’s ordinary demands and routines. 

There are more than 200 classified forms of mental illness. Some of the more common disorders are depression, bipolar disorder, dementia, schizophrenia and anxiety disorders.  Symptoms may include changes in mood, personality, personal habits and/or social withdrawal.

Mental health problems may be related to excessive stress due to a particular situation or series of events. As with cancer, diabetes and heart disease, mental illnesses are often physical as well as emotional and psychological. Mental illnesses may be caused by a reaction to environmental stresses, genetic factors, biochemical imbalances, or a combination of these. With proper care and treatment many individuals learn to cope or recover from a mental illness or emotional disorder.

How to cope day-to-day

Accept your feelings

Despite the different symptoms and types of mental illnesses, many families who have a loved one with mental illness, share similar experiences. You may find yourself denying the warning signs, worrying what other people will think because of the stigma, or wondering what caused your loved one to become ill. Accept that these feelings are normal and common among families going through similar situations. Find out all you can about your loved one’s illness by reading and talking with mental health professionals. Share what you have learned with others.

Handling unusual behavior

The outward signs of a mental illness are often behavioral. A person may be extremely quiet or withdrawn.  Conversely, he or she may burst into tears, have great anxiety or have outbursts of anger. 

Even after treatment has started, some individuals with a mental illness can exhibit anti-social behaviors. When in public, these behaviors can be disruptive and difficult to accept.  The next time you and your family member visit your doctor or mental health professional, discuss these behaviors and develop a strategy for coping.

Your family member's behavior may be as dismaying to them as it is to you. Ask questions, listen with an open mind and be there to support them.

Establishing a support network

Whenever possible, seek support from friends and family members. If you feel you cannot discuss your situation with friends or other family members, find a self-help or support group. These groups provide an opportunity for you to talk to other people who are experiencing the same type of problems.  They can listen and offer valuable advice.

Seeking counseling

Therapy can be beneficial for both the individual with mental illness and other family members.  A mental health professional can suggest ways to cope and better understand your loved one’s illness.

When looking for a therapist, be patient and talk to a few professionals so you can choose the person that is right for you and your family.  It may take time until you are comfortable, but in the long run you will be glad you sought help.

Taking time out

It is common for the person with the mental illness to become the focus of family life.  When this happens, other members of the family may feel ignored or resentful. Some may find it difficult to pursue their own interests.

If you are the caregiver, you need some time for yourself. Schedule time away to preventbecoming frustrated or angry.  If you schedule time for yourself it will help you to keep things in perspective and you may have more patience and compassion for coping or helping your loved one. Being physically and emotionally healthy helps you to help others.

“Many families who have a loved one with mental illness share similar experiences”

It is important to remember that there is hope for recovery and that with treatment many people with mental illness return to a productive and fulfilling life.

Warning Signs and Symptoms

To learn more about symptoms that are specific to a particular mental illness, refer to the Mental Health America brochure on that illness.  The following are signs that your loved one may want to speak to a medical or mental health professional.

In adults:

• Confused thinking
• Prolonged depression (sadness or irritability)
• Feelings of extreme highs and lows
• Excessive fears, worries and anxieties
• Social withdrawal
• Dramatic changes in eating or sleeping habits
• Strong feelings of anger
• Delusions or hallucinations
• Growing inability to cope with daily problems and activities
• Suicidal thoughts
• Denial of obvious problems
• Numerous unexplained physical ailments
• Substance abuse

In older children and pre-adolescents:

• Substance abuse
• Inability to cope with problems and daily activities
• Changes in sleeping and/or eating habits
• Excessive complaints of physical ailments
• Defiance of authority, truancy, theft, and/or vandalism
• Intense fear of weight gain
• Prolonged negative mood, often accompanied by poor appetite or thoughts of death
• Frequent outbursts of anger

In younger children:

• Changes in school performance
• Poor grades despite strong efforts
• Excessive worry or anxiety (i.e. refusing to go to bed or school)
• Hyperactivity
• Persistent nightmares
• Persistent disobedience or aggression
• Frequent temper tantrums

Other Resources

Mental Illness in the Family: Part 1 Recognizing the Warning Signs & How to Cope is one in a series of pamphlets on helping family members with mental illness. Other Mental Health America titles include:

• Mental Illness in the Family: Part II Guidelines for Seeking Care
• Mental Illness in the Family: Part III Guidelines for Hospitalization

Mental Health America offers additional pamphlets on a variety of mental health topics. For more information or to order multiple copies of pamphlets, please contact Mental Health America

External Resources

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administraton (SAMHSA)
Phone 800-789-2647

National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI)
Phone 800-950-6264

American Psychiatric Association
Phone 888-357-7924

Phone 888-357-7924

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

Phone 202-966-7300

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
Information Resources and Inquiries Branch
Phone 301-443-4513

Standby

When I first started this, I wanted to share our family struggles in hopes of reaching someone who was dealing with similar circumstances and felt alone. My vision was that I could reach at least one momma and give her hope.

However, I am human and I've shut down. I don't feel like discussing how I feel. If I could, I'd crawl in a bubble bath with a glass of vino and not talk to anyone. But. I know that's not healthy. Bear with me. 

P.S. 

D is medication free for over a month and he is THRIVING. He's been researching colleges and studying for his drivers exam (Hah). 

Keep the prayers coming, they are definitely working. PTL!!!!

Disappointed

D was supposed to get a pass to come home this weekend. Everyone was SO excited. I was especially excited since it is opening weekend for football and that boy is SO obsessed with football. 

Well. He's not getting his pass. His therapist has been sick and didn't issue the pass before he went out. This is bitter/sweet as it is typical of life situations where we anticipate one outcome and another happens. 

D told me he got really upset and excused himself so he could kick a wall. He claims he maintained his integrity but is still disappointed. I talked it up to him but my heart is broken. I miss that boy.

I'm crawling along rock-bottom. Lord, please give us a break. 

Dazed and Confused

Over the past month, I've had a falling out with 3 good friends. I know I'm not perfect (sometimes I can be a huge jerk) but I'm genuinely confused as to why NOW? Why is it now when I'm feeling lonely and vulnerable and like a big giant failure that made the perfect time to point out my flaws? Like I said, I know I've done something to hurt them or this wouldn't be happening. I don't feel like myself. I've tried to explain this. I know I haven't "been there" for them because I've been so consumed with my family struggles. But I honestly assumed everyone would understand.  I feel dazed and confused. And once again, I fail fail fail at (3) relationships.

Exhausted

We had our first family therapy session. It was bad. So bad. D is very angry. I don't feel like we made much progress during the session. In fact, the therapist ended it early due to D's aggression and hateful attitude.

D refused to focus on himself and continually talked about other people's issues. I put my foot down about 10 minutes in and told him "I will not listen to you complain about how other people act. We are not here for them, we are here for you."  He will not accept responsibility for any of his actions and almost everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. D feels like I "got rid of him". That was the most hurtful thing he's ever said. But I'm sure he does feel that way. I tried to explain that I'm fighting for him. He's too angry to hear me though. The therapist feels (at this point) he is definitely not safe to be in our home.

The therapist told me that I need to back off and stop trying to accept responsibility for D's actions. That's easier said than done. I immediately thought of the mom with the adult child who still does everything for him. It's easy to say "Why does she still do that? I wouldn't'." But when it comes down to it, it's hard (as a Mom) to cut the rope and make them do it on their own.

We ended the session with me apologizing for D's rude remarks. Ha, right? I caught myself and we laughed it off. I've got some work to do.

I cried off and on, most of the way home. I feel lost, confused, hopeless. I feel exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. 

Negative Nancy

I've really been struggling since my last post. My joy from D being medication-free is being grossly overshadowed by guilt and 'what-ifs". I can't help but wonder if all these years he was over-medicated and I allowed it. It's clear D does have a mental illness but WHAT IF if it isn't as severe as we thought? What if most of his aggression and mood swings were medication induced?  I'm questioning the medical profession as a whole and myself as a mom.

My sweet friend Sarah told me these thoughts are just the Devil trying to steal my joy. I know I'm not a Dr, I'm just a mom... but WHAT IF?

"I Don't Even Recognize Him"

We're approaching the end of week two of D being away for treatment and I am overwhelmed and overjoyed to say... he is 100% medication free. *BRB, I need to wipe my tears and snot*  It has been my prayer and my medical request for him for years. The doctors we've been with in Little Rock have always said "it is too risky" to take him off meds. I've always felt in my heart that he was extremely over-medicated but I didn't feel I had the proper resources to detox him. Have you ever been extremely tired and therefore extremely moody? That is exactly how D was all the time. 

I received a call from his therapist yesterday and the first words out of his mouth were, "I don't even recognize him. Physically, even." My heart dropped as I instantly envisioned dark eyes and slumped posture. I felt hopeless. For a second. His therapist continued with, "He has a sparkle in his eye. He's smiling. He has color in his cheeks." *BRB tear and snot break again* D was on speaker phone and he chimed in with "MOM! I think so much now. I can't stop thinking!" We continued to have an hour long conversation. I've NEVER been able to keep him engaged in conversation more than a few minutes. I know God is not finished healing him and I may be getting ahead of myself by being so optimistic that he could possibly be medication free, forever. But I guess that's my job as a mom. 

I received this scripture in my Facebook inbox this morning: 

Psalm 27:13-14

13 

I remain confident of this:

    I will see the goodness of the Lord

    in the land of the living.

14 

Wait for the Lord;

    be strong and take heart

    and wait for the Lord. 

I've never been able to give things over to God. I've always been pretty stubborn and believed I can handle things on my own. Even this situation, I thought I was handling it. I am not. He is. He is really working my Faith and I'm learning to lean on Him.

Thank you for the support and please continue praying for D and for his Doctors.

Can A White Person Experience Racism?

D called again. He's having a hard time fitting in. As I previously mentioned, he feels like he's being bullied. There is a group of boys that is instigating him and calling him things like "cracker" and "white boy". D said "they are racist". I asked him if anyone was making them stop calling him those names and he said no. He also mentioned that he knows that if he were to say racist things, he'd suffer consequences. I just reminded him that even though they are using hurtful words towards him, he is better than that and he is NOT to stoop to that level.

On a positive note, his withdrawal symptoms are less prevalent. He says the shaking has stopped and he's not nauseated all the time. Hopefully the Dr will take him off the last med this week and he'll be drug free!

I'm overwhelmed by the support our family is receiving. Thank you for your words of inspiration, your relatable stories, and your prayers. WE are going to get through this. Together. 

I'm Not Supposed To Be Here

D called me today. He doesn't feel like he needs to be in treatment. I explained there is a difference between not needing and not wanting to be there. He expressed that he was already being bullied and physically assaulted by another patient. He did tell a staff member and he is separated from that child. I hope this doesn't become a consistent problem.

D has been on prescription medication since he was 4. It seems like every time we have to switch psychiatrists, they just add on another drug. Until 2 weeks ago he was on FOUR medications including Depakote, Clonidine, Seroquel, and Zoloft. Two weeks ago we stopped Zoloft and Clonidine and since Friday, the Dr has stopped the Seroquel. He says he has the shakes and is nauseated. I explained that those were withdrawals and it's a short term side effect for long term benefits. My goal is to get him completely drug-free, forever.

We didn't get to talk long because he wasn't feeling well and wanted to lie down but I feel like the few minutes were productive and reassuring for the both of us.

When Will I Trust Myself?

I know I've failed to update on how Friday went but I just couldn't face it yet...

We left Little Rock around 7 AM and it was a GORGEOUS day. D asked if we could put the top down on the car so who am I do deprive him? Since we weren't pressed for time, we took back country roads instead of the freeway. Have you ever had one of those days where you seemed to notice and admire everything God created? Friday was that day for me. The trees were extremely green and plush. The sky was deep blue. The clouds were bright and fluffy. I swear D's freckles even glistened in the sun. We had several brief conversations and turned the radio loud while we car danced. We arrived at the facility and my heart seemed to stop. D was optimistic which made me feel optimistic. The therapists said all the right things and I felt good about this... until I got back in the car, alone.

The drive home wasn't as peaceful. Ironically, I missed the first exit to take the back roads and I was stuck in the terrifying freeway traffic for about 30 minutes. I didn't turn on the radio, I just sat in silence and thought and prayed for D. I prayed for comfort and happiness and healing. I thought about the brief half-hug D gave me before I left him. I wondered if that was because he is a teenager or if he was mad. I thought about how I cannot speak to him for 5 days and how he only gets 1 hour a week for visitation. I could go on and on but you get my point.

Here I sit, 3 days later and I'm having a really down day. I feel guilty. I was asked "Do you feel you did what was best for D?" Of course I do, or I wouldn't have done it. That doesn't make this any easier. It doesn't mean that I still don't question myself at times and have the pain of feeling like I abandoned my child. I pray I'm feeling the pain for the both of us. I pray D isn't lonely or sad. I pray for healing and hope.

Clotheslined

Sometimes being the mom to a mentally ill child feels like I've been clotheslined. Y'all. I'm knocked down. 

It's been a rough few weeks.We had FINS (family in need of services) court yesterday and the judge ordered D into a long-term mental facility.  By long-term they mean 4 months.  Because you know, in 4 months they'll "fix" him and he'll be safe to be in our home again. I'm viewing this as buying time to research out of state facilities.  We've exhausted every resource Arkansas has to offer.

On Friday I'll be driving several hours away to dump off my child with complete strangers.  The drive home is going to be fantastic.  I'm sure I won't worry or cry or doubt myself as a mother at all. I'm sure D won't feel lonely or abandoned or angry.  I'm sure it will be awesome.  Or something.

If you're the praying kind, any and all prayers are welcome. My momma heart is broken for my munchkin right now.

Stress Therapy... For Mommy

There has been A LOT going on with D over the past few weeks. He has been admitted into acute twice and is now on the waiting list for long-term care. In my next post I'll describe in detail what the situation is and how we've (maybe) found the right track. I'm really overwhelmed right now so all I've done for 3 days is paint but my mind has been racing. Here's what I've been working on:

I know it seems random that I'm posting this on this blog... The longer you're with me, you'll find I'm a fan of quirky social experiments. I'll let you know more about this particular experiment, later.

Terrorized

Have you ever been in a situation where you are terrified? I can think of a few off the top of my head, tornado warnings, car accidents, roller coasters... you get the idea.  Now, imagine being completely in love with someone and being terrified at the same time.

I'll tell you like I tell my son, D and his doctors. 98% of the time he is a charming, witty, polite, intelligent, helpful, well-mannered teenager. The other 2%, he is terrifying. His eyes turn black and they "ping" back and forth, he bows out his chest, raises his voice, and demolishes everything in his path. He shouts profanities, racial slurs, threatens to murder, and threatens suicide.

D has been in and out of acute and RTC (residential treatment centers) since he was 4 years old. We've been given every diagnosis from Asperger's to Bipolar to ODD/ADHD. He's been on enough medications to make anyone "crazy".

After an extreme meltdown last week, he was escorted to an acute unit by the local police department. He is scheduled to come home on Friday. Just like that, like an escalated "time-out" then he's sent back to terrorize and abuse the family again.

Here's what I need: I need a place to take D to detox off the multiple anti-psychotic and anti-depressants. I need him to have intensive psychotherapy (without medications) and a brain scan. I need to know WHY he is like this and I need to know HOW I can help him.

D* I will use this to term to protect my child's identity.

Deep Breathes- Here Goes EVERYTHING

I've made excuses and isolated our family for far too long. It's time to share what we have lived with for 15 years. It's time our family reaches out to other families who hide in shame and fear because their child has a mental illness. It's time to SPEAK OUT and get these children the help they deserve. I'll try to keep my posts short and I'm open to answering any questions anyone may have. Please remember to keep your comments clean and tactful as this is focused on children. No matter what they may have done or been through, they are still children. Psalm 127:3 Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him